To end 2020, with dramatic entry to be remember in future!

Hi and Assalamualaikum semua! When I was writing this post, I was in my sister’s living room. Alone, in the middle of the night while Dengan Nama Tuhan by Teman Lelaki keep on playing on the lowest volume but still can entertain me. When this post is out, that’s mean tomorrow we have enter a brand new year, 2021. That’s also mean that I will age by another one year older. That’s sound scared and terrifying. Hahaha but yeah still acting cool.

Actually I don’t know why i wrote this post. Why my finggers keep on pushing every words on this screen. It just happen. Maybe, deep down me needed this. Need me to remember something about this year, 2020. Less than 24 hours to enter new year, and there is something that I wanted to tell to my future self. Why I did on here? Which ya takdok sapa dok kalut nak baca blog. Apa blog pun im pretty sure no younger people know. But to stress out here, that I believe writing in blog is different. Don’t get me wrong, I wrote on my journal, diary and any other piece of papers heheh it give you butterflies in your stomach when u reread it again in future. Sukar untuk saya lafazkan dengan kata kata. 

Okay jom start. I wanted to make this post special, where by tomorrow I will enter the half end of 20s. Looking back my 25 years self, I would probably said that I am super proud of my self. Basically I achieved everything that on my list of “Before 25” Good job dear self. Maybe some said what I have now is nothing to compares others, but worried not I syukur sangat2 in everything that I owned today. I know that I should not stop here, I should be more ambitious, more goals. Which is correct, I have my new list of “Before 30” InsyaAllah we will meet again on 2025? I bersyukur that Allah gave me the best life for about 25 years. I take all the positive things happen je to sum up. Sebab I think all the bad things happen to me actually brings good to me contoh I accident, Abah bg kereta baru kat saya hehehe love u Abah! 

When talking about future, I would not know what will happen. Contohnya macam tahun ni Allah datangkan penyakit berjangkit yang kita tak nampak. And all the rancangan for the year probably tak menjadi. Dan sesungguhnya perancangan Allah itu yang terbaik. Ramai terkesan with this pandemic, and I really hope that all those person will be stronger and semoga Allah sentiasa nelimpahkan rezeki kepada mereka. Kepada masa depan yang tak pasti, in my last day of 2020 I would hope that you will be more stronger to face everything. Amin InsyaAllah. 

Well, actually mind if I share here. That yesterday I have a very very bad day. I was at my lowest. I lost. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I was not me. I beg people to be with me, I super extra clingy to ask my friend to teman I. And hate that. I hate that all of sudden I unable to be independent which I used to. Then my friend make me realise something, that I should have someone to teman my life. I cannot dah duduk sendiri. Then, the words goes deeeeeeeppppp in me. Hm. I was sad. Really really sad. But I trust in Allah and at the same time I do also keep on searching. I believe that he also searching for me too. It just that our path is not cross to each other. My family said that I am too choosy. Tapi saya perlu cari orang yang boleh jadi bapa kepada anak saya. That’s hard. I do blame my self to set out long list preference that I look in a man. 

Dear blog, if I told you this that’s mean I will remember about this until forever. I yakin I dah sedia nak ingat this things. I met someone 2.5 years ago. We work on the same office. I completely have no feelings for him. Then, there is one moment happen “future me know” not gonna put here.. that I fall for him. Really hard. I don’t want that feeling. I deny it everyday. I push him away. I said to myself that I don’t want him. It just that I’m lonely that day. So many happens between two of us. Two years kan banyak pahit manis jadi. Dari dia masa tu I yakin that he give a try on me jugak sampai lah..... he is trying on a new person now. Which the person yang I tak sangka despite of his ex and so on. Tapi mungkin jodoh diorg... tapi yang make me sad that the girls is among us as well and I can say that she also always trying flirt him as well. And it make me feel jerk and thats bad i know. But I would probably mengaku here that I am quite jealous sampai I jadi benci that girls and i don’t want to be friend dah to that girls Tapi I tak boleh because we are in a group friend now. I can’t Unfriend her. I keep asking myself that kenapa I nak cemburu sedangkan that man Takde pun list future bapak kpd anak I yang I nak. Errrrrrre I hate this feeling and I hope it will go away by 2021. I don’t know that Betul ke I still have feeling for himmmmm Ya Allah if the feeling will bring good to us, please ease our ways and if not please let me forget the feeling I have for him. 

So after on the above story. I harap I dapat jumpa my future soon. I wanted to have a serious relationship which I know that I am now ready to hold the responsiblity. Persetankan orang cakap yang marriage is not the goals of life. But I think I have enough monotonous life. I need to go to my next phase of life. I pray to Allah to ease my way untuk jumpa jodoh saya. Paling penting jodoh yang boleh terima baik buruk saya. Pretty sad to think about this, but ya will keep strong and pray the best. InsyaAllah by end 2021? Aminnnnnn Doakan lah ye. Your prayer that I hope now. 

I don’t know macam mana boleh ke sini cerita dia. Just hopping only the best for 2021. InsyaAllah. Looking forward to explore brand new episode. Semoga covid takde dan Echa kahwin soon! And tak lupa the best for my parents dipanjangkan umur and limpahkan rezeki yang tak disangka2!!!! 

Oh  I love this entry. Hee. Happy new year everyone!!! See you againnn! 

Wait before I Lupa, I dah pakai braces heheheh ye lah dari umur 15 kan nak pakai on 15 November 2020 Ni ada duit sendiri dapatlah pakai heheh 

Love, aisyah. 

Dijah’s wedding on 12 June 2020! #DijahxSyafiq

Special post for my special one. So that it will forever stay in this world. Even I will no longer here.

After two years for not opening my blog where a lot have happened to me in these past two years. Here I am posting something special - for my one and only sister.

I am sad. Totally sad. I felt like I am loosing you. I know I’m not. But the fact that I have to share you with someone else make me sad. 

You know how close we are. Even we are 2 years apart but you are like my twins. When you are hurting, I can feel it. When you are sad, I am too. And you too will feel the same. 

I used to call you when I suddenly woke up at 2 am asking you to comfort me and teman I tidur. I used to ask you to belanja I anything even I tak suruh pun you still belanja I. I used to ajak u teman I pergi mana2. We used to go holiday for shopping sampai mana2 jelah. I used to ask you in whatever decision I have to make, even the smallest things macam patut ke makan bubur mcd ke ayam kfc. You always be there for me. No matter what, where and when. 

We share everything. Every single things and secrets. I know that since I was 16, we never have much time since we are not live in a roof anymore. I mean like we jarang dapat spent time for months together. And then comes this pandemic, where I have to wfh and you still working in batu pahat. You know the hikmah behind pandemic, I got 3 months to be very2 close (near) to you every single day!!! Beyond blessed to spend so much time before you become Puan. Nampaknya plan Kita nak stay sama2 kat JB tak tercapai. You akan pindah KL ikut suami. I thought that we can stay together :(

When we were kids every baju Mak mesti beli sama like a twins. So do our haircut. Hehe. I used to get jealous of your brain and how lucky are you. How my parents used to be proud of you when you got enter into pharmacy field. I am sorry for being an ignorant adik that time. I should be proud of you too, yaa I’m just not matured enough I think that time hehe. As the time goes by, I know that I’m super proud of you for successfully have yr brand partners pharmacy. 

Remember when we were kids, when I’m entering standard 1 and you were in standard 3. You used to teman I masuk class every pagi and teman I until my first period. You even skip you first period for me cause I’m super scared that time. You used to teman me during recess. Even when we were in high school you used to teman I daftar class. Even when I am in my boarding school, I’m so manja to do my own Biology homework (sbb I tahu you pandai bio) Even when I am in my university, you help a lot in my assignment even our course are not even related at all. 

So many things I nak tulis. So many. Not even words can describe what ever happen in my 25 years with you. I am sad but at the same time I am really happy for you. Finally you found someone yang I can said really sesuai dengan you. 

Dijah, thank you untuk jadi kakak yang baik utk aisyah. Aisyah mintak maaf of all my wrongdoings. Halalkan semua nya. Aisyah harap as of 12 June 2020, our relationship will remain the same. I know it will be different sebab you are now someone’s wife. You have your own responsibility. But can I just hope that you will layan I sama macam dulu? Nothing change please!!! 

Aisyah harap kau boleh jadi Isteri yang solehah dan baik untuk Syafiq. Syafiq jaga kakak Aisyah baik2. She is my only twin sister I have. I love you Dijah. I am dearly missed you. Congratulations on your wedding! 

Lots of Love, 

You beautiful and manja Adik! Love you kakak ❤️

#PengantinPKPP #Covied19 #NikahKatPejKadi 

The other side of the world - indepedency

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone!

Here I am again, to write some kinda great and interesting as for me lah. Its not something related with the life journey and staff, but its more toward some lil bit great stuff back in 90s and 20s. I was born in 1995, so I was like so called gen y, so i am not really expose to those underground or well people call its independency stuff. But first of all, i got this idea to write from thinker studio, go check out their you tube channel. They make an awesome vid like legit onz nak mam. So one of their buruk/cantik seg video is collaborated with tapau.tv (go google them like right now peeps!)

They basically talk about what is indie. Oh my god, its seriouslly brings back all the memories. As a gen y, i kinda not know that actually indie had been here in Malaysia long time ago. But i first encounter with indie sort of is the Kami. Legit best gile.

From there I start to listen to all kind of indie music, which at that time people were start talking about it. If i can recall all the songs like lailas lounge-mawar khayalan, which was actually the ost for Kami. Then go for hujan, bittersweet, estrella, couple, meet uncle hussain, the time. For f sake, i love all the songs until now. But fortunately, i was to young to realize there are lot of other incredible bands out there. Yaa, what do you expect a ten and eleven years old kid would do that time tho. Internet pun buat play barbie online tho. I still remember that time my ex asking me my fav songs, it was like couple- tentang kita 

Guys should listen to this song!!!

 All is my favorite band. Then this trend seem fade away. i was enter my highschool then its all sudden be faded away from my mind. Like i been busy with all other stuff, then adanya blog ni and stuff. So the era move and moves until now 2017. So the trend was about start on 2007, it almoste ten years ago tho. Then today, people are more on hipster tapi sampah je semua tu. It more lioke it become trend yang sampah. Then I came across thinker studio which bawak i ke tapau tv and guess what i found out more abot this indie. And it wassss really awesome to know that this endependency community, so called its actually are become bigger. Like it was actually memnag big pun dari zaman dulu, it just that i do not figure it out je which i rasa now pun byk lagi i tak figure it out pun. 

They like having those local gig like every months, having kinda of fest and support local brands. This kind  local brands is being trends in early 2017, lot of t-shirts brands and ada kilang bateri kat JB. All local product become bigger, like we are not talking about those  sort of high end (duck scarves, fv, mimpi kita) Im not expected back in 2000s tu these indie is producing the awesome magazine which i just figure it out in tapau tv like desiderata and junk. Its a malaysian production beb

Im totally shook babes. If and only if i know it dulu gonna buy it. But i was a lil kid who actually know to cry and eat hahaha. But sadly truth they are not produce it anymore kan, because everything on degital, who the fuck want to buy printed now like Komik Ujang yang dah takde jugak now. But if they produce it im sure gonna but it. But I heard that now pun ada lagi magazine they produce but yknow its only localize, and they sell 'underground". Lately ni pun i know ramai gakl the kids start to go gig, which i found out kat instagram and also they wentto fest tu. But masa i tghk mcm eleh you ni gi mana ni. but i was wrong, admit it, and now i nak pergi gig and feel it. What they call l\scene langgar2 tu, mosh. Haha, idk man.

Now yang baru i figure out there are lot of other band, indie band. Yang i currently love is bil musa-terbang! superb legit best gile. And others like takahara suhiko and banyak lah lagi. Everything was just wow. Oh ya, if nak tahu more just go check tapau tv and if nak yang kat mainstreem which is tv, boleh layan alternative by thinker production and pengacara yaya.  im gona make more research tho! and plus this local awesome artisan make good art, painting and what i like most is poem and puisi!! would die for listen to all the poem. and not to forget eh i love all the art like teater! and drama yang mindfuck and oh ya recently fav telefilem charlie, cristina suzane is da bombz. Onz nak mampus. 

But do i really an indie or it was actually a trend? idk bacause at the same time i like to play act and be as style as vivy, nisha and faa? and sometime cupcake aisyah? ummm, idk man. i have serious problem with identity. Its like my other side of self. I was like in my other world tho when its come to indie, art, puisi stuff, Idk. Well i think what people said that at the age of 20s, theres lot of cross path, and you gotta choose wisely. Ummm. But after all, tak kisah lah apa apa pun kind you nak dress up, music you nak dengar ke and art you suka ke janji tak langgar aturan Allah! Till then echa!

ps : actually i have lot of things i wanna said about this but nvm its enough for me to jot something before anything in my mind hilang hehe bye!

Deep thought.

 

At the age of 22, making a life decision is one of the toughest things I have to do. I cant even know what future holds for me. It seem everything not fall into its place. Everything is wrong, ya wrong. Mistake after mistake. Hurts after hurts. You cant do nothing unless accept it. Even it smells bad, it taste bad. What you have to do is accept it.

They don’t actually want to listen. In return from everytime I told, hurt. The scenario of being hurt keep on replay up in there. I think I was an unplanned child they accidently have. Or its just my degree is not on medic line?  I know I was a bad child, but do I deserve this? Idk, you judge yourself dear future me.

I was offered to continue my studies in ICSA in uitm again. The course/line/field studies that they don’t know it was there in this fucking world. So one week before the registration, I do cancel the offer (the offec only for fucking 28 students!) and continue living under the same roof with them. I do cut off all my dreams (even my nafsu sbb i dah takde duit now), all and everything I dreamt of. For the good sake of everyone.  Am I doing the right decision? Fill up to continue studies in MBA also just a halfway through because for the sake of every fucking people in this world. 

Rezeki from Allah is beyond you can imagine, it all about timing and readiness. If you cant even give back what He wants, then who are you to get what you want. The plan after plan is change. The future line is still on the growth part, still under construction. Looking everyone of my colleague get the job they want already make my self even worst stress and mess. Idk. 

Make dua and never give up. One day, the day will come. The economy will be much more stable. You will survive. Self, you should not give up, cause champion never stop, girl. The time will come, and you will get the job. Life is not a race after all, it’s just a journey where everyone’s road is different. And wasn’t is be more true than life is like a wheel, and im now on site hitting the roads down there for just to make it move. Be though dear self. You will get there. After all, on this road called life, you have take the good with the bad, smile with the sad. Or ada mana-mana duda handsome kaya nak jadikan I isteri? I sudi. 

The more you wake up, the more you realize everything that’s happening is a sign. Books open at the right place when you’re beginning to become awake. You can be saved by messages you read in the sign of the road. You can be illumined by somebody sitting next to you in a bus and humming a folk song that goes straight to the core of your problem, because the whole world is divine and these signs are flashing out everywhere. That is the key to awakening.

– Andrew Harvey

I am not ready to face everything. Till then, echa.